


Not Him

by RamblingRavenclaw



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: M/M, Modern AU, Oops I made myself James Madison again, Suicide, but!, i needed to make this, im sorry, its important!
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-20
Updated: 2017-02-26
Packaged: 2018-09-25 20:41:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,626
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9842870
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RamblingRavenclaw/pseuds/RamblingRavenclaw
Summary: I'm sorry.It's not him...It can't be him...





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> My mind got in a bad place and I needed to make this.  
> This one's for you, Amie  
> I never knew you, you never knew me, but I know you're watching me.  
> When you left, you gave her so much pain. She wasn't herself. She was so broken when she told me what you did. How they found you.   
> I know you felt like no one loved you, but for starters, she did. She loved you more than the moon and sun. And you left her. With all the pain. With me trying to put the pieces of her mind back together.  
> If I had ever met you, I would have tried to get it through to you how much she loved you. How much I would have loved you.  
> You were still so young. And sometimes she looks okay. Sometimes she goes back to how things used to be before June 14.  
> But then other times she breaks down during class. People ask questions. And so I try and put the pieces together once more.  
> You almost dragged her down with you. My friends and I barely saved her. God, I wish we could have been there for you.   
> So, dear Amie,  
> This one is for you.  
> Please watch out for her. I don't want her to see you for a very long time.

"No.

No... It.. can't be him..."

At two am on June fourteenth, Alexander Hamilton was found hung on a tree outside of his house. A disgruntled old neighbor called the ambulance and alerted Hamilton's family. When she told the family what she found, his boyfriend collapsed. She decided it was best to leave him be, and let his family figure it all out.

Thomas Jefferson was sobbing uncontrollably on the floor, and it woke Alexander's son. He came rushing down the stairs and straight to Thomas.

"Tommy! What happened? Are you okay?" He asked with the voice of young innocence, while going to to hug him. His comforting only made him that much more upset, sobbing even harder. Thomas held the small child close. 'Oh god, what am I going to do about Philip?' He thought miserably in his head. 

Soon an ambulance arrived.

"Tommy! Why is an ambulance here? Are you hurt?" Philip asked with more curiousity. He was very confused about the whole situation. Then something seemed to click in his brain. "Tommy... where's Daddy?" Philip turned to Thomas with a giant look of concern on his face. Thomas didn't know it was possible for his heart to break anymore. 

"Ph-Philip.. *hiccup* Y-your f-f-father... he..he..he..he.... H-he's g-gone.." Thomas actually managed to say. Philip was a smart boy. He knew what that meant. Soon, he joined Thomas on the floor, sobbing out all the tears they had. Both of them were broken beyond repair.

The two of them found a small amount of courage in them and stepped outside. They saw Alexander Hamilton. The boyfriend, the father, Alexander Hamilton. Dead. Right in front of them. Dead, on his on account. The two knew very well he was dead. "NO!! DAD!" Philip yelled when he saw the scene in front of him. Philip was screaming, crying, breaking down. Thomas picked him up while sobbing himself. It would never be the same for them.

-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–

It was the crack of dawn. Philip was in his room. He had been thinking for the past four hours. He didn't want to eat. He didn't want to sleep. We didn't want to do... anything. But.. despite it all he knew Thomas felt the same, if not worse. A voice in his head made him do something. He picked up a phone and dialed a semi-familiar number.

"Hello?" It was the voice a humble, friendly man, who was unaware of why he was being woken up at six am. "Um.. hello. Is t-this James?" The man on the other end was shocked to hear the voice. It was Philip, and he wasn't talking an entire novel a minute. "Yes? Philip what's wrong?" "It's just that... m-my dad.. he..." Philip started crying again. He composed himself for a few moments. "Can you p-please come over for me an' Tommy?" Philip said before crying again. "Yes.. of course." James hung up the phone. 'What the bloody fucking hell did Hamilton fucking do...' was all James could thing the entire ten minute drive to the Hamilton-Jefferson residence.

-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–

 

When James knocked at the door, there was no response. "Something's one hundres percent wrong.." James mumbled to myself as he waited. After about five minutes, it was Philip who opened the door. 'Strange again..' he thought. His eyes were red and blotchy, as if he'd been crying for hours. James crouched down and engulphed him in a hug. Philip was crying again. "Shhh hey it's okay... I'm here pip..." James said gently. He picked him up and brought Philip back inside the house.

When he stepped inside, all he could hear was the sobbing sounds of something wrapped in a cocoon of blankets. His unruly hair was popping out. "Philip... where's your dad?" James asked the question very carefully, while placing him down on the couch. Philip continued crying, impossibly harder. He eventually steadied himself and told him the two terrifying words he had been dreading he'd say.

"he's dead."

-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–

 

James tried his absolute best to not leave either of the boys alone. He gave them meals, make sure they slept, brought them outside, and occasionally took them to Alexander's grave. He was slowly able to construct them back to a fraction of what they used to be, which was an incredible feat.

One day, James decided to visit Hamilton's grave privately. He left him a letter. He knew Hamilton would never read it, but he still put his all into it. 

> "Dear Hamilton,
> 
> I have absolutely no idea why you did it. I don't know what you wanted to end. I never thought there was anything wrong with you. But when you left, you completely broke your boyfriend and son. They were torn apart. They acted the opposite of usual. Jefferson went mute. Your son doesn't want to leave the house. I've helped them as much as I could. It's a miracle they are still here, you know. Now that you're gone, I can only ask you of one thing. Please, for the love of god, watch over them. I love them so much. Please, don't see them for a very long time. One day, you will all be reunited. But for now, all three of you should be here. Since that's not possible, please make sure it stays two.
> 
> Yours,
> 
> James Madison


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The problems never end once you commit suicide.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, this stuff is not to be taken lightly. I was going to make this a one shot, but I want people to know that it never ends with suicide. It's a serious problem how many people think suicide is a solution. People love you. If you seriously need help, I am here. I love you.

Philip didn't want to go to school.

he wanted to stay with Tommy. He wanted to help him. They  _needed_ each other. He didn't wanted to leave him alone. James had to practically drag Philip to school.

"But James! I don't want to leave Tommy in the house alone!" Philip was pleading, on the verge of tears for the millionth time that day. "Come on Pip, I know you wanna stay, but you've already missed lots of school.." James tried to reason with the boy, but soon Philip was yelling. "I DONT WANT THE SAME TO HAPPEN TO TOMMY! I DONT WANT HIM ALONE!" He was sobbing now. James wanted to start crying as well.

'Come on James... you have to stay strong for them..' "Hey Pip, hey I'm sorry... hey shh... I promise you nothing's gonna happen to Tommy, okay? I'm going to stay with him while you're at school. That's okay, right? I'll make sure he's safe." James was smothering Philip in a hug. He wished he could make all his pain go away. He picked Philip up and took him to his car. Philip started to struggle against it, but once he saw Thomas getting in with them he stopped. James' heart kept fluttering, Thomas and Philip need each other so, so much.

~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^

As soon as Philip stepped into the building, people were already looking at him weirdly. There was either looks of pity, or looks that simply stated 'you deserved it'. He walked into his classroom and kept his head down. He just wanted to go home, he wanted to go to Tommy.

He wanted to go to Alex.

"I'm so sorry about what happened, Philip."

"l wish he wouldn't have done it. I wonder if you or his boyfriend made him do it?"

"If he wanted to leave, that was his choice."

"It wasn't your fault!"

"That's what he gets for being gay. It's unholy."

'Why are kids so cruel?' Is all Philip thought as he kept his ears covered with his hands. 

"Okay class, settle down. Welcome back, Philip. Today we are going to be studying Newton's laws of motion..." After that she started rambling about the subject, but Philip couldn't bring himself to focus. He just wanted to go home.

After a while, the bell rang for lunch. He sat down at the table farthest from everyone and just sat. He didn't eat. He was just thinking. About how much he wanted to be with Alex and Thomas. About how he didn't want to have to go and live with Eliza, his mother who once abused him and his dad. He was in his own little land of deep thought when an unfriendly face showed up at his table.

"Hello, Philip." It was a young man by the name of George Eaker. He was a racist, sexist, homophobic jerk. "Hello, Eaker", Philip said stiffly. He had gotten his stuff to leave George alone, but George clearly had other plans.

"You know, your whore of a father deserved what he got. My dad told me that what happened to him was what all immigrants and faggots deserve. It was just fate", Eaker was looking straight into Philip's eyes with a devilish smile. He wanted to cry. 'No, I won't let him see me cry', Philip kept telling himself. Before he processed what he was doing, he ran out of the building and dashed home.

~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^

_knock knock_

~~~~"What the hell?" James said, Thomas looking equally confused. No one should be here at that time. James stepped up and opened the door, surprised to see Philip. "Pip? Why are you here?" James tried, but instead ran staring to Thomas and hugged him. He grasped Philip as if he were his own son. Drowned in Thomas' curly hair, Philip asked with a shaky voice: "Am I going to have to go back to Eliza?" James dashed over to where the two men sat, and hugged both of them so they were all in a huge group hug.

James sighed, "I certainly hope not, Pip. We'll do everything in our piwer to keep you here. But you still haven't answered my question. Why are you here?" Philip's eyes looked red and puffy, indicatong he had probably cried his way to the house. "A kid was saying how d-dad d-deserved it-t." 

With that all three men sobbed together, still wishing that things could go back to before June Fourteenth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if that got really sad really quick, but besides me trying to spread a message, I also got into an angst war with my friend, thats_gay, with her fic, A Star, Personified.   
> Oops

**Author's Note:**

> Please, I beg of you. If you're reading this, and you want to commit suicide, please listen to me.  
> I love you.   
> I love you so, so much.  
> And if you think no one else does, I do.  
> Am I enough?  
> Please, talk to me if you're in a bad place.  
> I wasn't there for Amie, I never met her.  
> I want to be there for you, even if I never met you.  
> Taking a life is the worst tragedy on planet Earth, especially if it's your own.   
> Life is the most beautiful thing. Please don't take yours away from me.  
> I love you, all of you   
> <3


End file.
